Will's Blog This is why you have internet filters

12Nov/090

Austin’s Cleverest Furniture Store

Why am I writing about a furniture store? Well last Saturday I went downtown during the day and stumbled upon IF+D at the AMLI.

Imagine this: Going into a furniture store that has items that resemble something I would make if I had the proper tools at my disposal. In fact when I walked in, the woman who owns the store was building a catapult right there in the store. In fact you should visit the web site, not to buy anything (it costs $$$$), but just read the individual descriptions for products (these are the actual descriptions, no edits).

Examples:
Bar Stool by Blue Dot
"it kind of reminds me of chair chair and counterstool counterstool. i’m not sure why. hmmm. although tall, it’s still suitable for throwing at geraldo rivera’s face."

Forest Light
"smokey the bear, aka forest ranger, wants you to prevent forest fires. prevent them with lighting the forest with a lightbulb. forget fires. fires burn trees and smokey likes trees."

Jane Sofa
"I’m going to detroit next week. should i pack a scarf and a wool hat? i’ve heard it’s cold in detroit. and boy, the lions sure had a terrible season. but don’t ask kristen about the lions… she’ll talk your ear off."

Carter Sectional
"the classic lines of high modernism provide you with a noble seat from which to ponder. whether it is your upcoming meeting with anwar sadat, memories of your georgia peanut farming days, or the germ of an idea of an organization to provide habitats for humanity, the carter sofa is perfect."

11Nov/090

Sexual Harassment Can Be Funny?

Sexual harassment is a serious workplace problem but in many cases, the educational materials used to convey important points about what is and what is not proper behavior often end up making light of the situation. Thus the video for you today. This is 3 minutes of "what not to do" from 17 videos obtained and edited by the Found Footage Festival.

Personally we should also create laws that outlaw people from sharing fringe political views or daily updates about their cat "Mr. Whiskers" or recaps of shows nobody watches (example anything featuring Wanda Sykes).

10Nov/090

Stupid Advertiser Mistake: Political Views

I unsubscribed from an email list today. I know what you're thinking, big deal who cares.

But the reason why is pretty funny.

Last year I subscribed to the mailing list for a local sports and recreation company that offers products / services I enjoy. No big deal and I had no problem with it until they sent out an email inviting me to a talk about health and wellness.

The speaker wasn't talking about eating right or exercising or any of the normal stuff that health and wellness speakers focus on. Instead the woman was giving a speech about a recent book she wrote detailing how vaccines are a government ploy to enslave the masses and remove people with genetic defects to further the agenda of eugenics. (This makes perfect sense according to Spencer Pratt)

And I was being invited to share in this conspiracy orgy by a sports and recreation company. No thanks.

Gaining the trust of the consumer is difficult enough, don't lose it by throwing out points of contention among your audience.

10Nov/091

The Deep South Super Bowl Shuffle

60-year-old men with deep southern accents doing a take off the famous Super Bowl shuffle. Enjoy.

10Nov/090

A Collection of Fun Words Backwards

- Evian backwards is naive as in you're naive to think that drinking bottled water prevents you from looking like a jerk. People that actually break a sweat at the gym only drink muscle milk.

- Spam backwards is maps as in you might need some maps to find a bathroom after eating too much spam

- Sarah backwards is Haras as in don't Haras girls named Sarah for their phone numbers because it makes you sound desperate

- Car backwards is rac as in if you have a nice car, you'll get a girl with a nice rac (yes I'm aware a K is involved somewhere)

- Decaf backwards is faced as in if you are faced with a difficult situation, don't drink decaf

- Ballpark backwards is krap llab as in I do gastrointestinal research at the krap llab near the ballpark

- Golf backwards is flog as in I will flog you to death with my golf club

- Jesus backwards is Sus-ej as in the reason Jews don't believe Jesus is the messiah is that they don't eat pork and sus-ej is made of pork

- Yeshua (the hebrew name for Jesus) backwards is Auh-sey as in the reason Jews don't believe Yeshua is the messiah is because Yeshua is an Auh-sey and Australians are evil

- Werewolf backwards is flower-ew as in werewolf Michael Jackson is going to de-flower-ew.

- Jay-Z backwards is Z-Jay

- Dallas backwards is Sallad as in Dallas is like a sallad, its full of vegetables who think they're cool by dressing up.

- Drunk backwards is knurd as in don't be a knurd and drive drunk.

more to come ...

8Nov/090

How to Get Back at Blackboard Abusers

Note: This was originally posted as a Facebook note on 4/11/2007

How many of you when waking up in the morning find that someone at 2 or 3 in the morning sent you the following email:

"Sorry for the mass email LOL. I missed the last 3 weeks of class because I had a hangover/cold/broken alarm clock and I need detailed notes for all the classes I missed. If anyone could send them to me I'd appreciate it."

(Not to take away from people that do miss class for medical/serious personal reasons, I'd help them out).

Note: Use another email address than your blackboard one so it can't be traced

Well this semester I have gotten a huge number of these emails (as well as people selling football tickets but that was last semester). Recently I've begun getting back at these slackers by doing some of the following:

1) For beginners Find a news story on the New York Times and copy all of the text. Then take the text and put it into freetranslation.com for a language of your choice. Next put it into word but change all the letters to be formatted in Chinese and then mess around with it, move paragraphs delete lines, type gibberish w/e so that it ends up looking like well a bunch of chinese.

Then send it as an attachment to the person and say "Hey (name/email) I copied all of my notes for the last 3 weeks. Here they are! Oh and the test tomorrow won't cover chapter X (lie)."

You'll get a hilarious email like this:
"Hey,
I've been trying to open the file for the last 30 minutes and I think it's corrupted. Can you please please please send me another copy??? OMG I'm so panicking over the test."

2) If you are in a really small 10-15 person class and you know that person has never come for 1 day of lecture

"Oh hey, sorry to hear about your cat having depression. I hope he gets better. Anyways we're actually having a study group at 9pm at (building and area of your choice). The professor gave us answers to 10 questions that will be on the test so you should show up."

Then go to said area with a book or your laptop and watch some confused guy/girl stand around for an hour.

3) If you want to be really mean to where you could get in trouble

Tell them: "Hey if you want to come by my place I have all of them copied down on paper but not on my computer. I'd be down to meet up somewhere but I broke my leg recently and traveling has been a bit difficult. I also got some beer if you want to have a few drinks." (Note send this if they are a guy, if its a girl replace the drinks part with "I'm watching Grey's Anatomy Season 1 right now.")

Their Reply: "Really that sounds cool. I'm busy til about 8:30 but how about meeting up afterwards like 10pm or so? Where do you live? I live out on Riverside and I have a car so it won't be a problem"

You: (Lookup directions to a local Walmart, Pawn Shop, HEB, Prison, Crack House) Sure I live at (insert fake directions, hopefully someplace far). Its not too hard to find just give me a call at (fake number) when you are close.

Then you can just relax and take pride in your accomplishment!

7Nov/090

Sammy Sosa Has Morphed into Michael Jackson

Sammy Sosa's apparent plastic surgery binge was posted at Big League Stew, I simply am posting a shorter re-edit.

Exhibit A 1989

Sammy Sosa 1989

Sammy Sosa 1989

Exhibit B 2009

From Getty Images

From Getty Images

6Nov/090

Sammy Stephens vs. NWA

99 percent of the time when someone does a video mashup, they fail. This one is pretty decent, although it loses its place for a bit around the :40 second mark. Oh and the audio is NWA so its definitely not safe for work (unless you work somewhere really cool).

6Nov/090

That Time I Told Off Bo Jackson

Normally when 10-year-olds meet professional athletes, they ask for autographs ... me ... I told off Bo Jackson and he nearly killed me.

It was the summer of 1995 and the baseball's All-Star game was being held at The Ballpark in Arlington which had opened the previous year. As part of the promotion for the game, Dr. Pepper ran a contest where local kids would be able to be on the field during the opening ceremonies of the game. They received some 50,000 entries and they selected 150 kids to be on the field. I was one of them.

I remember how awesome if felt to win something like that. I was at day care when I found out I won and I do remember saying something to the effect of "lata suckas" though at 10 I probably had no idea what it even meant and just picked it off MTV somehow.

My mom received four tickets to the game and my dad flew in from Florida to see me. I felt special and its honestly one of those childhood moments that you can look back on and still feel good about 14 years later.

Anyways, the experience consisted of two days of fun. The first involved hanging out at the smaller ballpark nearby and practicing relaying a baseball from it to the main stadium to be for the telecast before the first pitch.

One really cool thing was all of the MLB'ers that were hanging out and as a result everyone got an autographed ball full of signatures (mine has Ozzie Smith, Mike Jeffcoat, the immortal Darren Oliver and 15 other people I can't remember because it isn't in front of me).

The second day involved playing a pick-up game with other kids my age at the field. Our team's coach was Bo Jackson. YES BO JACKSON! The man who in my opinion would be considered one of the best NFL players of all time had it not been for his hip injury. Bo had retired in 1994 (fact check?) after playing with the Angels in his final season and I'm guessing he was at the game to hang out and just be a positive influence to young people.

Not me.

I've always been known as a man who says what he thinks when he thinks it. This can lead to great jokes or uncomfortable pauses if I lose my train of thought.

Bo was standing at the edge of the dugout when he began to say his trademark phrase, "Bo knows ..."

"Bo knows" was part of a major ad campaign used to promote his personal Nike shoe and it has become Bo Jackson's enduring trademark. As he was about to roll another word from his lips I replied "Bo doesn't know Jack!"

Bo Jackson then approached me and proceeded to pick up my bat and probably for a split second thought about swinging it at me but then playfully put it down. However it was really awkward for the rest of the game and later when I found out why Bo wasn't playing baseball anymore I felt really bad about it. Honestly Bo, if you ever read this, I'd like to buy you a steak dinner sometime, my treat.

The pickup game ended (I have a copy of my at bat on VHS) and then we did the relay thing before going onto the field. That was the coolest moment ever. Before going onto the field we were hanging out in the tunnel between the locker room and the dugout and all of these NL All-Star players are walking past us shaking hands and giving high fives and it was an amazing moment.

The two players I remember the most from this experience were Hideo Nomo and Reggie Sanders (both of whom recently ended long successful careers).

We got onto the field and being 10 and looking at 50,000+ people surrounding you and cheering you on is something amazing. It was as if I was standing at the center of the universe. Then it was time for the game to start and the experience ended shortly after Jeff Conine was presented with the MVP award following the end of the game.

I look back on my childhood and that moment still brings me joy to this day.

5Nov/090

Landing Page Created in 7 minutes 38 seconds

Who needs a giant, bloated, 500k jpg flyer to promote a show. This is 7 minutes and 38 seconds of craftmanship for the Friday show at the Belmont.

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