Will's Blog This is why you have internet filters

My 10 Resolutions for 2010

Every year people come up with some goal for next year. 90 percent of them are bullshitting so that they have something they can bring up at a New Year's Party when someone asks the inevitable question. But this year I'm really going to set some honest goals for myself.

1) Find Osama bin Laden. Think about it this way, buying a ticket to Pakistan, paying some guards and guides to help you navigate the area and purchasing some serious firepower will probably set you back $40,000. But if you find bin Laden, you can get $27 million. Think of the return on investment for that one.

Of course everyone will be saying if the United States can't find him after 8+ years, what makes you so confident. Well I've got an idea. I'll buy full page ads in all of the local newspapers saying "Osama bin Laden is gay." Mr. bin Laden will obviously not approve of esteemed Pakistani publications calling him gay and publishing rumors about gaycations to Uzbekistan. I bet he'll be so mad he'll march right into the headquarters of any one of these newspapers demanding an apology then I'd come out with a Taser and some cameras and say "You just got Punk'd"

2) Quit smoking. I don't smoke now but if I start in 2010, I better quit.

3) Start calling out people that retweet their own tweets. Hey did you get the memo the first time? If not I'll be retweeting it throughout the day to make sure you check it out.

4) Buy a next generation console. I'm still stuck between Sega Genesis and Super Nintendo.

5) Be a more considerate motorist. On second thought, no.

6) Single-handedly reform health care. Imagine opening a pharmacy that only gave placebos ... You'd treat your patients correctly 48 percent of the time for less money than making them buy name brand drugs.

7) Delete songs on iTunes I would be embarrassed to let other people find. If anyone knew I had one song each from Lady Gaga (Just Dance), Bubbles (Bidibodi Bidibu) and Madonna (Ray of Light) on my computer I would be ruined. At least I don't have Creed on my computer because that would really say a lot about me.

8 ) Buy a puppy just to get girls. You know what would be an awesome service? A company that rents dogs for a day to guys just to get girls. Then when the girl asks where Fido went, just tell them he got a back massage from a Ford Explorer. Then they'll feel so sad for you and go way out of their league to get involved with you.

9) Buy health insurance. Well on second thought I'll pass. There's nothing Neosporin and Whiskey can't cure. Would I rather throw away money expecting to get sick or throw my money at stocks, beer and buying drinks for girls who want nothing to do with me. I think we know that answer. What kind of person actually pays money expecting to get sick? That's like people who don't succeed in life because they think they will lose.

10) Eat healthier. I'm going to cut back to one Triple Meat Triple Cheese a week.