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Will’s Advice for Moms and Expecting Moms

I'm at the point in my life where some of my friends are pregnant or are new parents. The one line I've always heard when it relates to parenting is that people without children always think they have the best advice but that you can't give advice on the subject unless you have kids yourself.

Well since I don't have any kids (at least to my knowledge) I would like to offer some helpful tips that moms and expecting moms can frown upon:

1) Teach your kids that being good at video games is very important. No one wants to be known as a 'noob' or pushover when it comes to Halo or Super Smash Brothers. Kids get made fun of for a number of reasons but if the neighborhood bully calls them fat or stupid, at least you know your child can pwn them in Counterstrike.

2) Let your kids drink a little gasoline here and there. I'm not being cruel, this is to let their stomachs get used to all the bad / ridiculously cheap beer they are going to drink in their college and post college poverty years.

3) Dont go the organic route. If you are one of those parents that only wants to feed your children organic food and nothing containing preservatives ... that's going to go out of the window once they learn about McDonalds. Save the money and feed them whatever is cheapest at the supermarket.

4) Teach your kids how to read at an early age by having them fetch beer from the fridge.

5) Teach your children the difference between lying and effective lying and that effective lying is very useful in the corporate environment. Lying = Fido ate my homework ... that's lame, no one is going to believe that. Effective lying = I finished my homework but didn't bring it to class because its still waiting to be approved by my homework manager but she's been out sick the past two days and just emailed me saying she has a bunch of stuff to finish but will get to it by Wednesday at the latest. I'll have her cc you on my long division worksheet.

6) Don't let your kids believe the biggest lie perpetuated by parents around the world. Be honest and let them know that wrestling is fake.

7) Be a hipster about your child's musical choices. Make sure to act really rude if they want to listen to Raffi or Hannah Montana and put them down if they want to read about Clifford the Big Red Dog instead of Vonnegut. Teach them early that if something has the words "Disney" on it, it means not cool.

8 ) Have your child learn about the difficulty of American foreign policy by having them act out our policy decisions in school. If your child is in a classroom with an Iraqi or Afghan student, make sure your child removes them from the class by force and installs a friendlier Iraqi or Afghani but not before giving them some harsh rhetoric first. Also your child will want to bring $5/day to school and pass the wealth to a Pakistani, Israeli and then a student from a developing nation of their choice. When those students refuse to honor commitments and agreements ... watch out for other liberal and conservative students passing notes around the classroom calling for your child's removal from class.

9) Teach your children that Comedy Central has multiple channels including MSNBC and FOX News.

10) Tell your children that Sesame Street does actually exist and that they can find all of their favorite characters in real life if they walk the downtown streets at 2am. But remind them that Cookie Monster has two prior convictions for Grand Theft and that Oscar the Grouch is actually pretty friendly if you give him a quarter to buy some Bud Ice.