Social Commentary | Will's Blog

8Nov/090

How to Get Back at Blackboard Abusers

Note: This was originally posted as a Facebook note on 4/11/2007

How many of you when waking up in the morning find that someone at 2 or 3 in the morning sent you the following email:

"Sorry for the mass email LOL. I missed the last 3 weeks of class because I had a hangover/cold/broken alarm clock and I need detailed notes for all the classes I missed. If anyone could send them to me I'd appreciate it."

(Not to take away from people that do miss class for medical/serious personal reasons, I'd help them out).

Note: Use another email address than your blackboard one so it can't be traced

Well this semester I have gotten a huge number of these emails (as well as people selling football tickets but that was last semester). Recently I've begun getting back at these slackers by doing some of the following:

1) For beginners Find a news story on the New York Times and copy all of the text. Then take the text and put it into freetranslation.com for a language of your choice. Next put it into word but change all the letters to be formatted in Chinese and then mess around with it, move paragraphs delete lines, type gibberish w/e so that it ends up looking like well a bunch of chinese.

Then send it as an attachment to the person and say "Hey (name/email) I copied all of my notes for the last 3 weeks. Here they are! Oh and the test tomorrow won't cover chapter X (lie)."

You'll get a hilarious email like this:
"Hey,
I've been trying to open the file for the last 30 minutes and I think it's corrupted. Can you please please please send me another copy??? OMG I'm so panicking over the test."

2) If you are in a really small 10-15 person class and you know that person has never come for 1 day of lecture

"Oh hey, sorry to hear about your cat having depression. I hope he gets better. Anyways we're actually having a study group at 9pm at (building and area of your choice). The professor gave us answers to 10 questions that will be on the test so you should show up."

Then go to said area with a book or your laptop and watch some confused guy/girl stand around for an hour.

3) If you want to be really mean to where you could get in trouble

Tell them: "Hey if you want to come by my place I have all of them copied down on paper but not on my computer. I'd be down to meet up somewhere but I broke my leg recently and traveling has been a bit difficult. I also got some beer if you want to have a few drinks." (Note send this if they are a guy, if its a girl replace the drinks part with "I'm watching Grey's Anatomy Season 1 right now.")

Their Reply: "Really that sounds cool. I'm busy til about 8:30 but how about meeting up afterwards like 10pm or so? Where do you live? I live out on Riverside and I have a car so it won't be a problem"

You: (Lookup directions to a local Walmart, Pawn Shop, HEB, Prison, Crack House) Sure I live at (insert fake directions, hopefully someplace far). Its not too hard to find just give me a call at (fake number) when you are close.

Then you can just relax and take pride in your accomplishment!

Tagged as: blackboard, school, university No Comments

2Nov/092

The Pros and Cons of Flying Cars

One common thread among futurist works is that in time, we will have flying cars. Often they are imagined as the solution to increasing gridlock and population growth and most of the time they are portrayed as elegant systems with the occasional minor flaw.

I beg to differ.

Pro: Driving a flying car while intoxicated would be awesome.

Look drunk driving isn't cool (remember that time I nearly died crossing the street?) but I can see my older more senile self getting behind the wheel of a flying BMW after a few drinks and doing laps around Austin's skyline.

Con: Austin's nouveau riche wouldn't appreciate a flying car barreling through their condo only to have the driver get out and say "Oh man I'm really sorry about that. I swore I was okay to drive. Who the hell puts a building in the middle of a flying car lane anyways? Please don't call the cops."

Pro: A flying car would allow you to avoid the problems of Mopac and I35 during rush hour. Imagine a rush hour commute that is almost non-existent.

Con: The first douchebags with flying cars would simply hover over stalled traffic while blasting rap music and staring you down.

Pro: Flying vehicles would allow faster transport of goods and materials. Imagine fresher foods at the grocery store and same day shipping being same day shipping.

Con: Retailers would simply tack on an extra $20 convenience fee

Pro: Flying cars would destroy Nascar because instead of paying to see car wrecks then wait in a parking lot for 4 hours to leave the race track, all you would have to do is scale a tall building and watch mid-air fender benders.

Con: Flying car insurance rates would be 10x what they are for normal vehicles.

Pro: Flying cars would allow government and the private sector to continue business during inclement weather or natural disasters.

Con: No more snow days

Pro: The race to develop a feasible flying car would create an economic and technological boom

Con: GM would still manage to make something horrible that falls apart after a few years

Tagged as: back to the future, futurism 2 Comments

2Nov/090

Where did this whole “Slutty cop” thing come from?

I'm lucky that I have friends who don't (usually) associate the phrases "great halloween costume" with "slutty cop." However one popular and completely overdone choice for Halloween is always the slutty cop. For some reason a lot of women think its a cool costume but really you just want our (guys) attention and the best way to get it is to say "I'm pregnant" (okay okay okay bit too much there)

But in all seriousness I've never found cops attractive. I've seen my fair share of female officers downtown or doing security work or just chillin at IHOP and I have never once thought to myself "I wonder when her shift gets over because I'd like to arrest her for being naughty." I'm not saying female cops are ugly but guys need to ditch the whole "cop" fantasy because its unrealistic. Honestly, head over to the local PD and try to ask any female officer for a five minute cavity search. You'll either get shot, or arrested and thrown in with the less than savory characters society has to offer.

The slutty cop outfit is based on the male fantasy of being "searched" by this sex crazed law-enforcing vixen. But that makes no sense because:

1) Female cops don't generally arrest people while wearing skimpy police outfits.

2) Female cops aren't caked with makeup. They have to go out and arrest people, they aren't looking to compete in a beauty pageant.

3) After an 8 to 10 hour shift of dealing with hobos, drunks, drugs and degenerates they probably aren't looking for a romantic interlude with a stranger

4) They're cops. They have guns and tasers and attitudes. Why would you even attempt anything?

5) If a "slutty cop" arrested you for being "naughty" it probably means you were banging a picnic table. Honestly being "naughty" isn't a crime and I'm going to assume female police officers like to keep their jobs so the odds of being plucked off the street and "searched" are 1 in 1 quadrillion. However, if you were actually arrested for being naughty, I'll gladly represent you in a court of law.

Will's Blog This is why you have internet filters

Stupid Advertiser Mistake: Political Views

How to Get Back at Blackboard Abusers

Odd People, Odd Searches

The Pros and Cons of Flying Cars

Where did this whole “Slutty cop” thing come from?

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