Will's Blog This is why you have internet filters

No More Getting Mad at Other Drivers in 2010

I've made one actual resolution for 2010 and that is that I won't get mad anymore when I drive.

Instead of getting mad ... its time to get even.

I came to this conclusion today while at the intersection of Bee Caves Road and Walsh Tarlton. The left turn lane tends to back up during the afternoon and I was the second car in line to turn left behind whatever Honda calls their Scion xB ripoff (Element?).

Green turn arrow appears ... waiting waiting waiting ... okay quick 'hey light's green honk' .... honking again ... okay for the love of god this horn is going to break if you don't turn left ... ok give up honk because the lights now red and cross traffic is moving. While I'm honking ... everyone else behind me is honking as well as if to say "Your honking isn't doing anything but our honking is going to somehow going to fix everything."

I start to think maybe this person is having a medical problem or maybe they are having an argument with a spouse or maybe they learned Snape killed Dumbledore. As I'm thinking this over, the green turn arrow appears and they turn left like no big deal. I don't take it personally but the driver behind me speeds up and passes both of us then suddenly breaks in front of the Hon-tard and nearly causes a wreck just to try and get back at them.

But trying to cause a wreck just to prove a point is even worse than that HonDUH driver. I mean seriously when was the last time someone honked at you and you said "You know what ... that honk was the wakeup call I need to fix my bad driving habits. I'm going to go to the library and read as much as I can about protected left turns and what these large red signs at intersections mean."

In reality honking only makes the other driver mad especially if they are so unintelligent that they don't realize their offense. It's a waste of time and I've come up with a better solution.

Rather the next time someone messes up while driving, I'm going to get even but not in a violent confrontational manner.

Step 1: Person really messes up while driving. I'll forgive rolling stops, minor delays at lights and cutting me off in difficult merging situations. But if you don't stop for a stop sign, fail to turn when you have a giant green arrow telling you to do so or attempt to merge onto Mopac at 20 mph ... you will invoke step 2.

Step 2: I follow the person to their final destination be it a home or business or park. I'm not going to act in a creepy, vindictive manner but in a subtle fashion so as not to evoke suspicion.

Step 3: Mess with the person:

Scenario 1: If they go to a business because they are running errands (getting dry cleaning, buying gifts) I'll pretend to be a news reporter and ask to interview them for a special report we're doing. I might need a big camera but I'll probably just use a notepad then I'll tell them the following:

Me: "Hi I'm Will with the Austin News Network. How are you? ... We're doing a story about an automobile mechanic who works at the (insert the person's car brand here) dealership and was arrested earlier today."

Driver: "Really? Which dealership was this and why did they get arrested?"

Me: "I don't remember which one, I'll have to check with my editor but apparently this mechanic was performing scheduled maintenance on cars and wasn't wearing any pants and was found to be spreading herpes into vehicles of unsuspecting motorists. A bunch of Austin residents are now suing the dealership and I wanted to see if you would care to comment on the story."

Scenario 2: If they are going back to their office

A: If they work somewhere with a large handicap parking area, I'll have a portable handicap parking sign (pole and all) in my trunk and then plant it in front of their vehicle and get them towed.

B: If they work in a strip mall I'll go into their business and say "I'm really sorry but my son has swine flu and threw up all over the hood of your car. I tried to clean it off but instead I spread it all over the hood. I'm really sorry."

C: If they work in a restaurant or something like that, I'll go in and get a meal then when they walk by I'll say "Man, I hope the restaurant has cameras monitoring the outside, I can't believe that truck completely took out the side of that (insert their car type & color here). What a jerk, that's gonna cost thousands of dollars to fix."

Scenario 3: If they are heading home

Get their address then write a post on Craigslist in the man for man casual encounters (sex) section.

"2010 North American Gay Man Orgy Tour comes to Austin

Alright big beefy studs the man orgy you've been waiting for has finally arrived and this time its going to be bigger and better than last year. If you've been dreaming of doing gay stuff with gay men in a discrete location then stop on by. This year's theme is "Home Wrecker" which is why we're holding it at a private residence (insert their address here). Men ages 21 to 40 can do their gay thing with other play things and have a gay ole time.

So stop on by (insert their address again) at 9PM sharp. $20 cover gets you booze-y and loosey for juicy caboose-y if you know what I mean. Look up directions on Google Maps (its the third house on the right with the McCain / Palin yard sign). Oh and there's a costume contest. CYA THERE!"

You can wait around or leave but I'd stick around to see what happens.

Sure this won't stop bad drivers but it will make for awkward and entertaining moments. (oh and I take no responsibility for anyone who gets ideas from this)